‘Letting go’ is one of those phrases that is often bandied around, with no definition given. ‘I know I should let go of my teenager’ is often the context. Others nod in agreement; but what do we all mean? What do our sympathizers think we mean? Christianity lacks definition. Our lives, attitudes, beliefs and behavior lack definition. More significantly, we stand or fall not in our what, but in our why.
Many parents’ definition of ‘letting go’ is pushing away, giving up in frustration, rejecting the child out of hurt and anger, having nothing more to do with the child, writing them off, not loving unconditionally, or deciding that this person is not going to mess up their comfort any longer.
Teenage and even adult children can, with their rebellious behavior hurt and anger parents, and push them to their limits and beyond. Parents have often tried everything, loved until they felt dry, but still been subjected to pain and even abuse and disrespect. Their reactions are understandable, and perhaps that is why we agree with their decision to ‘let go’. Emotions may be legitimate, but no believer ever has excuse to not love, forgive, believe in others, or absorb the offence. However love will always do what is best for the other, and parents have a unique responsibility before God for the discipline, training, and nurturing of the child.
In defining ‘letting go’ in a family situation, we must have a foundation. Many times letting go is a way of dealing with pain; an attempt to make the suffering in the family’s life caused by the child to stop. If that is the reason for what we do; then it may be out of trying to save our life, rather than the life of the child. Again, I am not condemning any parent who feels this. I believe there may come a time when the survival and well-being of the parents and family must be considered. No rebellious child can be allowed to continue to destroy other people. In looking at this issue, we must get things in order.
Our foundation is always that God is Love. He loves our children more than we do, and He alone loves perfectly. His very nature is love towards His enemies, towards those in pride and rebellion. We may condemn our children; but He never condemns. The fact is that sin has its own punishment. God’s love is always in perfect agreement with His righteousness, wisdom and judgments. God loves us, but how much have we pushed Him to His limits? Yet He never despairs of us, rejects us, or reacts in frustration and self centered hurt. We can let go because of His Love.
Secondly, as in all relationships, what does our child’s behavior reveal in us? Our focus can be so much on another’s behavior, that we justify our reactions. God does something in parents’ lives through their children. God’s desire is to free us from any flesh that comes out of us. Allow the Lord to deal with you as you walk this path; and discover that all the pain and suffering has it’s purpose in your life. God is not the cause of sin and hurt; but He is in control, and permits it to come upon us through others. What in our flesh may the behaviour of the teenager be revealing? It is this that we must first deal with, and let go of in our own hearts. Only then will we be truly free to walk in the Spirit and allow the more than sufficient love of Christ to flow through us.
Is it time to let go of a performance-based acceptance or rejection of the child?
To let go of your plans and dreams for your child’s life?
To let go of your image and reputation, and concern about how you look to others because of your child’s behaviour?
To let go of taking responsibility for their choices, of trying to do what only they must choose for themselves?
To let go of hanging onto hurt and anger in response to the hurt and anger they have inflicted on you?
To let go playing God and Holy Spirit in their lives and conscience?
To let go of manipulating circumstances to control them?
To let go of trying to make them like you?
To let go of getting your emotional needs, of value, love, worth, security and acceptance from them?
To let go of seeing them as your possession, and rather, see them as belonging to God first?
To let go of your desire to protect them from pain and suffering; and so from maturity?
To let go of trying to motivate and change them through guilt, threats, and fear?
To let go of walking on egg shells around them and thus allow them to control you?
Ask God to reveal to you what exactly it is you need to let go of, for the flesh of man has many disguises, so only the Holy Spirit can show you.
But how do I let go? Many say they try to let go, but take it back; they say it is just too hard. Often the reason for that is that letting go is being done with no knowledge of specifically what it is that is being released. It is done in the strength of the flesh, or based on perceived outcome. It is done in unbelief and not by faith. Many think things do not work because they do not see the desired outcome. They have let go, but still there is pain and still the behavior continues. Decisions should be made by faith on truth and principle, not on outcome. To let go does not mean that emotions immediately change. There will be a peace in our spirit, but the behaviour of rebellious children can naturally generate feelings of anger, hurt, sadness or grief. Parents must stand in Christ and come through such feelings.
The key is to hear from the Lord and to follow Him. He alone knows your family, your child, your circumstances, and your hearts. Do not follow a formula, a method or only someone else’s advice and experience. Listen to His voice within; what is He saying to you? He is the Good Shepherd, He will lead you. Then you will be merely responding by faith to what He is already doing in your life, and in your child’s and family’s.
Letting go involves a Cross. Love always builds a Cross. To love our children in Christ is to take up the cross. If letting go is done without embracing the Cross, and denying ourselves, then we are still operating out of the power of our own self-life, and this will lead to frustration. What is the self that God is revealing that needs to be denied? To be let go of?
It will involve death to pride, image, and desire for comfort and seeking to save one’s life. The glorious Truth is that Life comes only out of death. As we embrace Christ and the cross His resurrection life flows, regenerating, refreshing, filling with love, peace and hope. This life spreads to the lives of loved ones. There is then freedom from our own agendas and ourselves; we are free to love for the sake of others and not for our own sake, and free to respond to the continuing circumstances as God leads us. God never takes without returning more. We let go so that we might receive.
What is it that we can then hold onto? When we let go of our plans, our will, our image, our pride, our attempts to change, in return, we have Gods perfect Will, His Peace, His working, His hope, His wisdom, His humility, His Truth, His justice and righteousness, and His glory. There may come a time when God leads the parents to indeed let go of the child itself. They will then do it for the right reason, and out of His love, and for His glory, not theirs.
L M Guy
